Why I Don’t Want To Have a Threesome With You

11 Mar

by Meghan Ferguson

“So you like girls? Will you have a threesome with me?”

“Oh, you’re a lesbian? That’s hot!”

“You two should try making out with guys.”

“Can I get in on this?”

A question I’ve been asked too many times. The first reaction of several guys when they find out I’m a lesbian. Something yelled across the street at me as I was kissing a girl. A question I’ve been asked when I’m dancing/kissing/with a girl.

Calling these things questions is even being too polite – they’re more demands couched in polite terms, because, clearly, why wouldn’t I want to have a threesome with a guy? I mean, that’s always been my dream, so I should be thrilled – no, honoured – that a guy would offer me that chance.  Lucky me.

As I mentioned in a previous article, the heterosexual porn market has contributed to, if not created, this fascination with women having sex with each other, and it has leached into mainstream attitudes.  So, when a guy asks if I’ll have a threesome with him, or if he can “get in on” me dancing with another girl, that is him assuming that my relationship, my expression of my sexuality, my enjoyment of another girl’s company, is only for his entertainment and pleasure, and has nothing to do with my own desires.  Some people might think that this is just harmless fun, and sometimes the guy might just be joking, but the intent of an action can be vastly different from how that action actually plays out; in this case, what may be intended as a funny joke comes off as ignorant-sounding at best, to offensive and threatening at worst.

Another part of this culture is the assumption that all women are attracted to men.  I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve been at Town, dancing with a girl and clearly enjoying myself, and some random guy has come up behind one of us and tried to start dancing with us.  I’m sorry; do I look like I’m interested? For one, I did not invite you.  Secondly, this is a gay club. As in, an establishment primarily catering to people in the LGBTQ community, so there is a pretty good chance that when you see two women dancing together, it’s because they’re queer.  Call me crazy, but it just might be a thing.  I have also heard stories of women being hit on by men at a lesbian bar. A lesbian bar.  Seriously, people?!  Now, I’m not saying that all women at a lesbian bar are, or should be, exclusively attracted to women, but when a guy does something like that, he is assuming that all the women there secretly want a man.

This pattern of behaviour isn’t just limited to the world of queer women; it’s the same thought process that fuels catcalling,street harassment, and so many other problems, this idea that our very existence as women gives men the right to objectify us and use us for their pleasure without consent. So yeah, next time I’m with a girl, know that we’re not doing it for your entertainment or to get attention, that I “just haven’t hooked up with the right guy yet”, and that no, I do not want to have a threesome with you.

2 Responses to “Why I Don’t Want To Have a Threesome With You”

  1. Anonymous March 11, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

    I completely agree! Speaking as someone who’s bi, I’m very used to the threesome request. Somehow it seems natural; if I hook up with guys and girls, why wouldn’t I want to do both at the same time? Guys don’t seem to get how I could do both and have instances where I would possibly choose to only be with a girl.

  2. Edi July 2, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    It doesn’t happen very often, but I have to agree. As you’ve noticed – it’s all beacause of porn. A lot of adult men still seem to believe in what they see in porn: lesbians are lesbians until they see a penis. When a penis appears, all of them momentally transform in bisexuals.

    On the other hand – there’s a thing called “barsexualism”. It’s a situation when a drunk woman is able to make out with literally everyone. She doesn’t even need to be drunk, but she perceives behaving as bisexual as a great fun. I hate it, but again – a lot of men love it.

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